How many times do I have to start over before I get it right? I think we have asked ourselves that question many times, I know I have. In this case, I’m battling the body issues.
I have fought my body many times. I have recently discovered that some of my problem is rooted in my teenage years. You see, I am a rape survivor. I was date raped when I was 17. I trusted him implicitly and I was still a virgin. I had made a pledge to remain pure until marriage, but I feel it made me a target and a prize to be won. Whether that be by the rules or against them.
I was beaten during my assault and I stopped at a local Wal-mart in the little town of Sierra Vista where I had lived. I had stopped to clean myself up. I went in, bought a shirt to replace my torn one, went into the bathroom and continued to clean the blood off of my legs and body before changing. I then went home and sat in the shower until it ran cold. Then I sat a bit longer. I could not get him off of me. I never filed a report. I was “just a soldier’s daughter” and his dad was a prominent member of the community. His dad was a doctor in the small town and was a contributor to fundraisers of the local law enforcement. So, I knew I didn’t stand a chance.
I then protected myself by gaining weight. Boys don’t want to rape a fat girl, so, it was the best defense in my mind. I went from very healthy looking to thick and unhealthy. By the time I joined the military a few years later, I was very much pressing the limit of what would be feasible to lose when I entered military service.
The Military was good for me. I joined the Army and was a medic. I got stronger and shed the extra weight. I was feeling quite excellent and finally felt in control. I graduated from training at a size 9 and was once again healthy. I was sent to Ft. Huachuca, Arizona as my duty station after I graduated and it was located in the still small town of Sierra Vista, Arizona.
You can imagine it didn’t take long to bump into my rapist once I arrived. I was giving flu shots and he was there with a company. I informed my supervisor of the situation and he was removed, but it shook me up. So, the unhealthy began once again. I eventually ballooned up to a size that put me in danger of being removed from the military. I fought it until my prescribed time had arrived for me to exit service and I went quietly.
I was married by this time and I tried to be happy, but I continued to gain weight. I attributed this to my husband being a bit of a physical being. He was very much a touch person and showed his affections with touches and sometimes gropes. I didn’t put the pieces together at the time, but when I discovered the link it all made much more sense. When my husband deployed and was away, I was much more fit and lost weight more easily.
My ex-husband was kind enough, but our methods of communicating were not compatible. He found other women to meet his physical needs and had children with them and after I had my daughter I left the marriage feeling I deserved better. There is more to that story which I will share at another time.
I had to move back home with my family to Louisville, Kentucky and I found Crossfit. I really enjoyed how strong it made me feel and I began to gain control once again. I loved this form of activity and kept pushing until I went to massage school and had to stop for a year.
I recently re-discovered this activity with a new gym and began once again. However, after 4 or 5 weeks people began to notice my efforts. That’s great right? No, it’s not. The comments were fine as long as they were tasteful and respectful. However, the comments on how great my ass looked in a certain outfit or how I was great to look at, etc… sent me to a dark place and right back to my assault.
I blew my 6 week challenge really close to the end of it because I went nuts eating any and everything as long as it had fat and could make me fat. I found myself in my car after getting Arby’s and crying as I was eating the sandwich. It tasted terrible, it was cold and was not good in the least, but it would make me fat so I kept chomping.
I have tried to recover from this slump, but I felt myself spiraling further and further into it. It was then I connected the dots and saw the associations. I was triggered. I contacted a friend from the gym who shared her story and I was grateful I was not alone. I was happy to have her to reach out to, but found myself reluctant because I didn’t not want to burden her.
It’s the Holidays. This is one of the hardest times to start over. I want to, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of how to handle this now that I know about it. I’m miserable in my own skin right now, but fear the future if I’m persistent in my getting fit. So, I’m torn. I have moments when I want to dig in and go for it. I want to make the most of it and be the true Goddess I am and reflect on the outside how much light I have on the inside. Then, I have moments where I hate it and just want to do whatever I want. Can I start over…again?
Will I have to start over again in a few weeks or months? How many times do I start over before I get it right? The answer is…as many times as it takes.
So off I go, I’m going to try and get some sleep…the first class is at 6am. I find that if I don’t go to the early class, I bomb the day in eating poorly. I am also going to try and begin the morning with some reflection time and set an intention. I like my sleep though so, time will tell.
As many times as it takes.
These were take about a month before my assault. The far right is me at my heaviest. No, I was not pregnant yet.
Confessions Of A Worldly Goddess 