Tag: fitness

Stepping Outside The Comfort Zone

This year’s SuperCon costumes were the result of Danika’s plot for greatness. We were all characters from Sailor Moon. She, was Princess Serenity. Her Dad, Tuxedo Mask and me…Sailor Pluto. If you know anything of these characters, you know that the Guardian dresses are very…short and tight. I knew it would be a miracle to look good in that short, white dress trimmed in black. White is never a great color for my size. It just accents all the wrong places. This was no different.

I joined a program through a crossfit gym, Crossfit Regeneration, which was a 3 month or so challenge. It was a great idea and ended just in time for Halloween when I would don this spandex fat trap and hopefully it would fit. When you order from Asia…the sizes are not always on point. It DID fit by Halloween and I wore it successfully. By the time the Con rolled around a month after Halloween, body shape wear was needed to make it look right. Despite the complications, we ended up winning the Best Novice Group for the major cosplay contest, but I was so self conscious on a main stage in front of hundreds of people with my fat screaming under layers of corset and shape wear. It didn’t help we had a horrible prop malfunction in front of hundreds of said people. Danika insists her “cuteness” got us the win and won’t let me forget it. I was mortified, but I survived.

What does this have to do with my newly selected cosplay of Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games? Well, since we did a character theme last year, I was ready for a little armor and some new cosplay challenges. I was ready to be an individual. I didn’t want to be subject to Danika’s cute factor and I didn’t want to shrink when displaying so much hard work by wearing my cosplay.

So, how do I pull these elements together? Katniss. She is fully clothed…in pants…and black! This avoids any of my mom tush sticking out of a too small cosplay. She looks amazing and regal in both the black and red outfits. Also, she’s a bad ass. Yes, Katniss for the win.

Now I, like Katniss, have to put in the work for the win. She’s fighting for her life and in a way, I am too. Granted, looking stellar in a black armor cosplay is not life or death, but beating my excuses and conquering my demons is. No matter what has happened to me, I am not a victim. Neither is she. She is the epitome of vulnerability and strength.

She is emotional, resilient, strong, vulnerable and self sufficient. These are all qualities I can identify in myself. Some are more dominant than others, but they are all there…and more. So, tomorrow I start a journey and volunteer myself for the game so I can finally win. So I can take myself to the next level and if I find myself on a stage, I want to shine and not shrink.

How do I get there? Our pastor held an unconventional service today where we all ate a meal among each other and talked. Trust me, it was an introvert’s nightmare, but he mentioned this year being a year of adventure. He said that part of being an adventurous person was being outside of your comfort zone. It really connected with me because most all of 2019, I have been outside of my comfort zone and I suspect it is a glimpse of things to come. The greatest achievements lie outside of your comfort zone.

So, I am preparing to be uncomfortable. I am resolved to be the best self I can be and adventure beyond where comfort limits me and into the unknown of greatness. Day one begins tomorrow and I am not sure how I will do, but I’m ready to try. I’ve abused my body with Christmas goodies and plenty of sweets so now it’s time to show it some appreciation. Its time to take an adventure.

How Many Times Do I Start Over

How many times do I have to start over before I get it right? I think we have asked ourselves that question many times, I know I have. In this case, I’m battling the body issues. 

I have fought my body many times. I have recently discovered that some of my problem is rooted in my teenage years. You see, I am a rape survivor. I was date raped when I was 17. I trusted him implicitly and I was still a virgin. I had made a pledge to remain pure until marriage, but I feel it made me a target and a prize to be won. Whether that be by the rules or against them.

I was beaten during my assault and I stopped at a local Wal-mart in the little town of Sierra Vista where I had lived. I had stopped to clean myself up. I went in, bought a shirt to replace my torn one, went into the bathroom and continued to clean the blood off of my legs and body before changing. I then went home and sat in the shower until it ran cold. Then I sat a bit longer. I could not get him off of me. I never filed a report. I was “just a soldier’s daughter” and his dad was a prominent member of the community. His dad was a doctor in the small town and was a contributor to fundraisers of the local law enforcement. So, I knew I didn’t stand a chance. 

I then protected myself by gaining weight. Boys don’t want to rape a fat girl, so, it was the best defense in my mind. I went from very healthy looking to thick and unhealthy. By the time I joined the military a few years later, I was very much pressing the limit of what would be feasible to lose when I entered military service. 

The Military was good for me. I joined the Army and was a medic. I got stronger and shed the extra weight. I was feeling quite excellent and finally felt in control. I graduated from training at a size 9 and was once again healthy. I was sent to Ft. Huachuca, Arizona as my duty station after I graduated and it was located in the still small town of Sierra Vista, Arizona. 

You can imagine it didn’t take long to bump into my rapist once I arrived. I was giving flu shots and he was there with a company. I informed my supervisor of the situation and he was removed, but it shook me up. So, the unhealthy began once again. I eventually ballooned up to a size that put me in danger of being removed from the military. I fought it until my prescribed time had arrived for me to exit service and I went quietly.

I was married by this time and I tried to be happy, but I continued to gain weight. I attributed this to my husband being a bit of a physical being. He was very much a touch person and showed his affections with touches and sometimes gropes. I didn’t put the pieces together at the time, but when I discovered the link it all made much more sense. When my husband deployed and was away, I was much more fit and lost weight more easily.

My ex-husband was kind enough, but our methods of communicating were not compatible. He found other women to meet his physical needs and had children with them and after I had my daughter I left the marriage feeling I deserved better. There is more to that story which I will share at another time. 

I had to move back home with my family to Louisville, Kentucky and I found Crossfit. I really enjoyed how strong it made me feel and I began to gain control once again. I loved this form of activity and kept pushing until I went to massage school and had to stop for a year. 

I recently re-discovered this activity with a new gym and began once again. However, after 4 or 5 weeks people began to notice my efforts. That’s great right? No, it’s not. The comments were fine as long as they were tasteful and respectful. However, the comments on how great my ass looked in a certain outfit or how I was great to look at, etc… sent me to a dark place and right back to my assault.

I blew my 6 week challenge really close to the end of it because I went nuts eating any and everything as long as it had fat and could make me fat. I found myself in my car after getting Arby’s and crying as I was eating the sandwich. It tasted terrible, it was cold and was not good in the least, but it would make me fat so I kept chomping. 

I have tried to recover from this slump, but I felt myself spiraling further and further into it. It was then I connected the dots and saw the associations. I was triggered. I contacted a friend from the gym who shared her story and I was grateful I was not alone. I was happy to have her to reach out to, but found myself reluctant because I didn’t not want to burden her. 

It’s the Holidays. This is one of the hardest times to start over. I want to, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of how to handle this now that I know about it. I’m miserable in my own skin right now, but fear the future if I’m persistent in my getting fit. So, I’m torn. I have moments when I want to dig in and go for it. I want to make the most of it and be the true Goddess I am and reflect on the outside how much light I have on the inside. Then, I have moments where I hate it and just want to do whatever I want. Can I start over…again?

Will I have to start over again in a few weeks or months? How many times do I start over before I get it right? The answer is…as many times as it takes. 

So off I go, I’m going to try and get some sleep…the first class is at 6am. I find that if I don’t go to the early class, I bomb the day in eating poorly. I am also going to try and begin the morning with some reflection time and set an intention. I like my sleep though so, time will tell. 

As many times as it takes.

These were take about a month before my assault. The far right is me at my heaviest. No, I was not pregnant yet.